My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
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I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.