ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
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Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.