“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
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5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*