I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
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Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Guy who likes music
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.