Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
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“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
What if all the cashiers are married?
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.