MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
You Might Also Like
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it