[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Quadruple digit IQ
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.