9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
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“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?