[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
fixed it
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
step 6: release the wall snake
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.