*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
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Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.