[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
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Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.