Alicia Keys: 馃幎 I keep on fallin’ 馃幍
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it鈥檚 not cheating it鈥檚 eating
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there鈥檚 no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that鈥檚 Snow White, she鈥檚 dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
You can鈥檛 stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They鈥檙e just like hell yes we鈥檙e all yelling now let鈥檚 all keep yelling this is great
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don鈥檛 even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I鈥檒l let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
my gf left me cuz I鈥檓 insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half