Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
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(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio