If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
You Might Also Like
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
it’s the silliest best thing
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume