A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
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Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
that de-escalated quickly
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
This kid is a star!