honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Had to try this trend 😊
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?