If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
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Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.