Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
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To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
The biggest mystery of our time
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.