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I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The Compass
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.