*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
You Might Also Like
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Breaking news:
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Worst Native American name ever.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.