Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
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20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
That’s easy for you to say
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*