Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
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Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
ME (calling my horse with no name):
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
*limbos away from your hug*
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high