*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
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Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
scares
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels