The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?