the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
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My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.