BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
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him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Breaking news:
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?