interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
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Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Mornin
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Bread puns are on the rise!
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache