Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
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[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
watergate? u mean a dam??