I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
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My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.