Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
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Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Here’s a meme
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
These are my roll models.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches