My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
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Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
S O O N
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car