Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
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The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery