this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
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tis the season
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I鈥檝e lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don鈥檛 need to take a photo of it.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 馃槀
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
The Struggle
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it鈥檚 done *spitting out seeds* oh it鈥檚 done
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What鈥檚 not to like?