I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
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Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Real House Wines.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*