The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.