The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
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Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.