Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
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They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.