I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX