I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
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So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
life finds a way
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb