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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
So glad we cleared that up
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.