My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You Might Also Like
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
why am I working on Labor Day
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade