Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
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“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration