My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
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Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
man i love columbo
Catering service
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.