Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.