Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
You Might Also Like
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
mom gave me mine for free
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?