How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
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Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead