little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
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Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you