This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
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My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.