conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
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Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”