Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
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My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.